How to settle the abortion debate once and for all

Well, it seems like the Supreme Court is looking to overturn Roe v Wade, and predictably the dames are all hysterical about it. As a 40-year-old man with a vasectomy, I think I am uniquely qualified to opine on this subject. After all, I alone proceed from a basis of pure rationality, without all those womanly passions getting inflamed.

It’s a contentious debate, of course, so let’s try to be fair to people on both sides. Those on the “pro-choice” side believe that every woman should have access to a safe abortion. Those on the “pro-life” side believe that life truly begins at conception, and that aborting a fetus even in the early stages is tantamount to murder. Each side has a point. And many people on both sides would also agree that their position isn’t necessarily absolute. Many of those who oppose abortion, for example, make allowances for cases of rape or incest.

So here’s my suggestion. I’ve thought this over long and hard, bringing all of my hard-won wisdom to bear, and I think I have the solution. There is one, and only one condition under which it should be acceptable for a woman to seek an abortion. That condition is:

If she wants one.

I know, I know. It sounds crazy. How would this work in practice? How can we truly know what is in the mind of a woman all hopped up on pregnancy hormones? Well, let’s imagine a woman who goes to her doctor and says she wants an abortion. Here we apply Occam’s Razor — one of our favorite philosophical devices, right fellas? — and conclude that, if this woman is trying to get an abortion, then she must want one. Q.E.D.

Sure, you’re thinking, maybe we can allow grown women to make this choice. What about minors? Do we really think that a 14-year-old girl is mature enough to decide on her own to terminate a pregnancy without the informed consent of the uncle who impregnated her? Personally, I think we baby kids too much these days. If you’re old enough to ride your bike to the abortion clinic, then in my opinion you’re old enough to go inside.

Restricting the right to terminate a pregnancy only to those women who want to do so would really simplify a lot of things. Finally, the government could get out of the business of policing our bodies and get back to what really matters: spraying chemtrails.