Let's get to the important stuff and rank the streaming services

News that Netflix lost subscribers recently has the business world in a tizzy, but that’s mostly because the business world can’t abide a moment of tizzilessness. Honestly, why shouldn’t Netflix lose subscribers? It sucks! It sucks and it’s now the most expensive video streaming service. Its entire business model at this point must depend on people figuring it’s too much trouble to find the cancel link. If you weren’t already a Netflix customer, would you sign up for it today?

Like a lot of people, I subscribe to far more streaming channels than is necessary, and let’s just say that I also know of unlocked doors to a few others. For almost none of them do I get my money’s worth. Even some of the free ones. With that in mind, I must succumb to the urge to rank the ones I use with any regularity.

10. Paramount+ and Peacock

Are these real? Do these even exist? Paramount+ weirdly has the rights to some USMNT World Cup qualifiers, which is the only reason I’ve ever used it. I am not interested in Star Trek. Peacock, not sure what that is.

9. Apple TV

Is it Apple TV+? Apple+? Something else? Ted Lasso jumped the shark in season 2 and I don’t think I’ve watched anything else on this. I am mad at it for securing the rights to A Charlie Brown Christmas and for winning the best picture Oscar for some nonsense.

8. Hulu

Hulu occasionally has movies I want to watch on it, but it’s always the last place I look for them. It’s just not a destination. I have been reasonably enjoying Under the Banner of Heaven, which is presented, confusingly, as an “FX on Hulu” joint. For the most part this just seems like a dumping ground for hackish network dramas.

7. Netflix

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Netflix is just 98% filler at this point, and apparently the lesson they’ve learned is to stop spending on “vanity projects” by the likes of such charlatans as, uh, Martin Scorsese. I’m sure there’s plenty of money left in the budget for Dave Chappelle and Ricky Gervais specials. However, the ‘flix does have I Think You Should Leave, and I’m looking forward to their German-language version of All Quiet on the Western Front, so I’ll keep drinking that garbage.

6. Disney+

Lots of great stuff for the kids, plus every episode of the Simpsons ever. Can’t go wrong. If I weren’t sick to death of Marvel I’d probably rate this one higher. In general there’s a lot of cross-promotional nightmare content on here, but it’s easy enough to ignore.

5. Criterion Channel

I love the Criterion Channel and I subscribe to support the company as much as anything else. There are just a couple of issues. One is that a lot of the content is now shared with HBO Max, which diminishes the value somewhat. Movies also come and go constantly, which can be frustrating. Also my wife never wants to watch anything on it, so I don’t watch it as much as I want to.

4. HBO Max

Also beginning to fall prey to the Netflix effect of churning out mediocre originals at the expense of tightly curated content, but having pretty much the entirety of the HBO catalog, plus a huge selection of movies that are actually worth watching, make this one an easy thumbs up.

3. Shudder

Shudder is a specialty service so clearly it wouldn’t appeal to everyone, but as a horror fan I think it’s spectacular. The thing I always say about it is that it feels like I’m browsing the horror section of the video store as a 10-year-old, except now I’m allowed to watch the movies. I haven’t watched too many of the originals but it has a ton of movies I would formerly have considered obscure, and I like that.

2. PlutoTV

Nope, not joking. Pluto is ad-supported, so I’m not forking over money every month whether I watch it or not, and they’re also not taking a subscription fee and shoving ads in my face (looking at you, Hulu). What’s great about Pluto is how many niche channels it has that it heavily supports. 99% of the time I use this service, I’m watching the Mystery Science Theater 3000 channel. It has made my life better knowing I can dial that up at any moment. There’s also a really good independent wrestling channel!

Number one: Spotify

Squarespace’s stupid WYSIWYG editor won’t let me just put a 1 in front of this for some reason. That’s extremely annoying. Anyway, I’m sure there’s a very good reason why every video streaming service in the world is a nightmare of transferring and expiring rights, whereas 99% of all the songs I’ve ever heard are instantly accessible on Spotify. This is the only streaming service I pay for that actually gives me my money’s worth. I wish they would direct more of that money toward artists and less toward Joe Rogan, but you know what they say about ethical consumption under capitalism.