An update from Uvalde Police

This has been a hard week for all of us in the Uvalde community. Perhaps for no one more than our hard-working law enforcement officers, who continue to investigate this tragedy night and day at the expense of their own wellbeing. I wasn’t even able to go home last night and hug my kids, tuck them into bed, and kiss them on the foreheads before they drifted off and dreamt the sweetest dreams.

These are the sacrifices we make. And do we ask for anything in return? No, sorry, I’m not taking any questions yet.

Some concerns have arisen about the conduct of our officers during the roughly one-hour period that the shooter was inside the school. I welcome your scrutiny and will hold the conduct and integrity of my men up to the highest standards. Just to answer some of what I’ve heard so far:

Our officers did not, in fact, congregate outside the school while wearing body armor and wielding military-grade firearms themselves while waiting for someone to tell them what to do. In fact, they were following strict protocol. They were surveilling the scene. Just surveilling the hell out of it. What looks to the untrained eye like a bunch of wieners standing around, shifting from foot to foot, and occasionally admiring their reflections in the windows of their squad cars was in fact highly advanced reconnaissance. I wouldn’t expect a civilian to understand.

I also want to emphasize that our officers did attempt an incursion and it was thwarted. While forming what we call a “tactical stack,” one of our officers accidentally touched the butt of the officer in front of him. Both officers were immediately concerned that they might have contracted the AIDS virus from this unintended contact, and one even suspected that it made him gay. Following protocol, the assault team withdrew to a protected location to regroup.

I mean, what do you want? You want our officers to charge willy-nilly at a madman wielding a gun? They could be shot! If they had been willing to sacrifice their lives in the line of duty, they would have become teachers.

I understand that there are stories going around that some parents attempted to enter the school themselves and were prevented from doing so by our officers. This is, in fact, true, and what’s more, I’m extremely proud that our officers prevented even more death by keeping these parents out of the danger zone. Some of these parents did not comply with instructions and were subdued by use of an officer’s Taser. So the next time you want to accuse my officers of standing around doing nothing while a mass shooter rampaged through an elementary school, I will remind you that we Tased several of the students’ parents. Checkmate.

One more thing I want to address: none of our officers pooped their pants. Not one. Even though it was scary, and they had been there for a while, and many of them had Arby’s Bacon Ranch Wagyu Steakhouse Burger for lunch, absolutely nobody loosed a torrent of hot doodoo butter into their shorts. Any suggestion to the contrary is simply false and borders on slander. So don’t put that in the newspaper.

One of our officers may have sat in mud. We’re checking on that.

I will, of course, let everyone in the media know when we have more information to share. At this time I would ask that you please stand back and let law enforcement do our jobs. At some point we’re sure to do it.