On double standards

New England Patriots coach Mike Vrabel will miss day 3 of the NFL draft to get counseling after he was caught in flagrante delicto with a reporter for The Athletic, Dianna Russini. (Both of these people are married, just not to each other.) Russini, for her part, resigned from her post at The Athletic, where she had been one of the highest-placed and well-sourced NFL reporters in the industry.

“Funny” is not the word for the whole situation, but certainly there was mordant humor in Vrabel’s initial annoyed denials. Despite photos that clearly showed him and Russini frolicking in bathing suits with a level of ease and interpersonal comfort that eluded me until about year 3 of my marriage, Vrabel insisted that everything was above board and innocent. He even invoked the Nathan Fielder defense that they had multiple friends just off-camera, laughing too. The only things more naked than the photos were the lies.

This is all well-trod ground for takes, but I want to hone in on a point about double standards that I don’t see made often enough. First, as far as professional ethics are concerned, I don’t think this is a case of double standards, but of separate standards. Russini’s breach of journalist ethics was, in fact, more grave than Vrabel’s breach of coaching ethics. I’m not even sure if there is anything in the rulebook saying a coach can’t have a relationship with a reporter. But a journalist absolutely cannot have one with a source or a subject of their coverage.

The real double standard is the public treatment of these two people, or the perceptions of their personal transgressions. Vrabel gets compassion, empathy, and time off from the draft to address his personal issues. Russini gets death threats. Neither one really gets the grace that this is now a family issue, but clearly this treatment is not equal.

This obviously true observation leads some people to suggest that Vrabel shouldn’t get off so easily, that he should be fired or otherwise punished in some way, or at least that he should be made to wear the Scarlet Letter that Russini will carry with her for the rest of her life. I think this is backwards.

What I’ve noticed over the years is that whenever a double standard pertaining to gender is criticized, the proposed remedy always seems to be for the woman to be treated more like the man, or worse, for the woman to behave more like the man. You see this a lot when women beat themselves up for being too polite at work. Stop apologizing! Lean in! But there’s an inherent acceptance of the misogynistic premise here that being considerate at work is weak or wrong, or that becoming the target du jour for incel rage is appropriate punishment for anything.

I have a better idea. Let’s extend more grace and compassion to women who fuck up publicly, and insist on more accountability for men who do the same. Let’s be glad that we have coworkers who care about others’ feelings, and maybe try apologizing and/or shutting the fuck up ourselves. Let’s hold people to a high standard and also understand that many will fall short. And most of all, let’s not have sexy fun time with our side pieces anywhere within range of a telephoto lens.